A Grievous Loss Life must go on even after a spouse passes away By Yeo Suan Futt Although death is merely a part of life that occurs every day, to every living thing, it is nevertheless one of the most painful losses that the living must bear. Losing someone as close as one’s spouse is traumatic. We shan’t presume that it’s any worse for this to happen in old age compared to losing the same in our youth; but in general, a person in his twilight years is more brittle and dependent, physically, emotionally and psychologically. Moreover, with the elderly, the experiences and hopes shared over many years is a large part of how people define themselves, personally and socially. All of which is suddenly lost when a spouse passes away.    Understanding grief People do not grieve the same way, but in general, according to psychologist Daniel Koh of behavioural health outfit Insights-Tse, the process passes through the following phases: Denial, anger, yearning, depression and acceptance. Experiences vary, and a person may be locked into a particular phase, unable to move on, though some research indicates that it can take around four years for a person to “recover” from the loss. But beyond sorrow, grief is also very punishing on the body. Insomnia, fatigue, loss of appetite, intestinal upsets and headaches are common symptoms of acute grief that could cause serious health problems if allowed to fester.    Overcoming grief In any case, life must go on. Koh recommends the following steps to cope with grief: •   Instead of suppressing one’s sorrow, one should express it, come to terms with the loss and     try to understand its impact. Keeping emotions too tightly bottled up will create health     problems and stress. •   Losing a spouse may cause a person to feel so socially vulnerable that he may avoid     company. That is not advisable, because in solitude, one can easily get lost in one’s sorrow.     The company and support of family and friends is invaluable in helping a person come out of     grief. •   Grieve at your own pace and take time to come to terms with your loss. Do not be pressured     by well meaning but misguided others who may keep urging you that “it’s time to move on”. •   Try to find ease with self and others. •   Try to avoid falling into depression by understanding its symptoms. •   Cry – a death is always sad and crying is an outlet for emotional tension, rather than a     weakness. •   To make up for the void, rebuild your social network. A good way is to join a club, take up     some group recreational activities – to pass the time, make new friends and have new     experiences. •   Learn a new skill, as it can also help focus the mind, provide purpose for life and rebuild a     sense of pride